I was young, you said. I didn’t know anything about life yet, you said. You didn’t want to take anything away from me, you said. And you took one more step away from me, and another, and another. But you see, I don’t think any of those matters. For yes, I was young and I may have not known anything about life yet and you not wanting to take anything away from me might have been right for me but what am I without you? Haven’t you ever thought that maybe I would have wanted to spend my youth with you? Or I may have wanted to know things about life from you? Or maybe you wouldn’t really take anything away from me if you just stayed with me because in the first place, I knew that you would have given me everything that I needed and even more?
You stayed away; walked out of my life because you were bad for me, you said. But you know what? You might have been just the best thing that happened to me if you just stayed beside me.
I miss you and I know that you’re right for me, that we are right. Please come back to me, my love.
You left. And no matter how hard I try and push myself to forget, I just can’t. Your smile and your anger, your laugh and your tears, your joys and your sorrows, they just won’t leave me alone. Every second of my everyday is spent struggling to come to terms with planning to move on from the pain and the hole you brought me. You left me alone. You left me with nothing but memories which slowly kill my being. I fought hard, you knew that. Now, look at me. What do you see? My life is a big black void. All I can think of is the way your hand felt in mine, the way your eyes danced when we were together, the bed we once shared, the stubbornness, the childish games and you. Of course, you. What went wrong? We were once happy, weren’t we? I fought hard, you knew that. I tried hard. Why was I not enough? Did you just grow tired of me? Will I ever forget you? Will I ever forget us? Maybe, it will take a little more time to forget you and the feelings I have for you. Maybe a little more time and a little more beer to drain these thoughts of you from my mind. Maybe a little more time to move on from you. But oh, who am I kidding? I guess I never will. How could I, when the best thing that ever happened to me so far was you? It will always be you. Yeah, I guess I will never be able to forget you.
You were young and I was wild. You were there, wherever I was. You truly liked me - “loved” as you’ve always corrected me - and I knew that. But I also knew that you couldn’t take all of my bullshit even though you didn’t ever show it. You frowned upon every alcohol, cigarette butts and parties but I didn’t care. You were too good and I didn’t want to blemish you. I was the opposite of you and you told me that you don’t care, that you can live with it. But I’ve caused you pain and I don’t want you hurting so I pushed you away. You kept on coming back though.
Oh my, I might just be the worst decision you’ve ever made.
I pretended not to care but I sincerely, truly do. And because I care for you, I want you to be happy - genuinely happy. You’re still young and good and bright. And you’re everything I’m not. I’m sorry. I just have to let you go for now my sweet boy. Someday, my darling. Someday.
You know what? You’re the storm to my peace and quiet. It’s like you came into my life, trembled my safe place and made me doubt my ideals. What I believed in before seems shaky and unsteady now. You rushed your way into my existence and made me question everything that I was so sure of. You rained on my warmth. You drizzled on my summer. You flooded my world. It’s like all the truths I believed in started to falter when you walked into my life. But you know what? I still want to keep you. I kinda like how you make me look at this earth in a completely different perspective. You are the slight crispness I didn’t know I’ve always longed for during the summer heat. You are the cool sprinkle that calms me down and hushes me into the most peaceful state of mind. You are the cool breeze that hums me into tranquility. You may have shaken up my zest a bit but so far you may be the only storm I would wanna keep in my life, the only rain I could dance in. So, please stay.
We’re worlds apart, that’s true. But will you at least try to look at me? Just once, please look at me, to really look at me. Please see me, too; not only my outward appearance because you won’t really find much but me, my whole being, me. Because you know what? Yes, you are good-looking - heartbreakingly so - but what made me fall for you was you; not your smile but the way your eyes twinkle when you do, not your body but how it feels to be near you, not your touch but how warm it is, not your voice but your words, not your appearance but your mind. Maybe if you try to see me in a different light other than that girl, maybe you’ll find things in me, too. And we might not be that far apart anymore. And maybe, just maybe you’ll fall for me too. You know, just as I fell for you a long time ago. Deeply.
And as soon as you looked at me, everything just fell into place. My heart glowed as the sun set. The golden sky couldn’t compete with the impossible brightness of your eyes, of your soul. The warmth brought about by the dusk that surrounded us was nothing compared to the ardour you instill in my whole being. You are my light at the end of the tunnel, you always will be. You will always be the unbelievable happiness that I feel. And for now until forever, you my love, are my bliss. Now and forever.
We were young then, and the world was against us. It didn’t matter for us though. We didn’t care how they judged and looked at us with those eyes and how they talked behind our backs. What mattered for us was that there was you and I, that we were together. We were really happy in our own little world where what only existed was the love that we so desperately fought for. The love that we thought would last forever amidst everything. We were so strong and together, we were invincible. We didn’t mind all of those for as long as we got us. Together, we were unyielding. But what happened to us? What happened to everything we fought for? What happened to our own little world? What happened to the love we once had?
We’ve been there for the nth time, yet you looked like it was your first. You went straight to one of those plush toy machines and immediately inserted a coin. The machine roared to life. Then, as you always do, you expertly pushed those buttons until the “claw” (as you always call it) grasped the plushie and dropped it into the hole and made its way out. That was our twenty-third plushie now and as always, I was so proud of you. I was proud of you like I’ve always been. You handed it to me. I’m sure I smiled pretty widely at that moment. I knew I was doing my stupid face again but you said nothing and just smiled. You then grabbed my hand and dragged me to the drinks stand. My world stopped. Your warm hand holding mine, that was the first time. And as you dropped my hand when we reached the stand, my heart dropped with it too. I forced a smile when you playfully ruffled my hair. You’re my best friend, you’ve always been. And I think I’m only gonna be your best friend in this lifetime. No more, just your best friend. That moment, I realized that I didn’t want the plushie, that I didn’t want to get drinks, that I didn’t want to let go of your hand when you held it and that what I wanted was you. I wanted you. You. And that I wanted to tell you right at that moment. But I was too scared, you know. I was too scared to lose not only our friendship but you altogether. So, I just let it pass and told myself that I can still bear it, that I can still keep it to myself. I let the moment go. But I’m pretty sure that someday, I’d have to say it to you. And I will.
But not now, no. Someday, maybe.
The first time you told me you loved me, I didn’t believe you. You stared at me like I was crazy when I burst out laughing. We never talked before that, you see. I didn’t even know you well at that time, you were just another existence I’ve come across. And those three words were just, you know, words that people throw around all the time. Then you said it again, and at that time, I didn’t find it so funny anymore. There was something in your eyes which kept telling me that your words were true, that I can hold on to them. You didn’t even smile while looking directly at my eyes, you weren’t blinking too. I stopped laughing. I knew that you meant every word you said, that when you told me you love me, it wasn’t just your lips speaking but your heart. I knew that those words were sincere but I was still unsure. Boy, did you caught me off guard. I didn’t know what to say. You were there, spilling out all your feelings and there I was, trying real hard to find the right words to say. I was doubtful, not of you but of myself. I was afraid that if I didn’t say the right words at that time one of us would be badly hurt. But you told me to take my time and get to know you. You weren’t rushing, you said. So, I didn’t say anything because I was too scared that I might say all the wrong things. I nodded, then you exhaled. Then, you smiled. That was then that I knew that no matter what, we will happen, that we were meant to be, that those three words weren’t just words but the truth.
Lately you’ve been distant. You’d look past me and everything on this earth. You’d stare at empty spaces and invisible wind. You’d unconsciously tap the table with this terribly annoying rhythm that makes me mad irritated. Nothing could make you concentrate on anything or anyone. Sometimes you’d stare at me blankly and it seems that there is something you want to say but you end up looking away every time. Sometimes I wonder where the sweet boy I met a couple of years ago has gone. I wonder where you have gone. It’s like I don’t know you anymore. You’ve been so different from what you were before. I don’t know what to do anymore, or if there is still something I can do to save you and bring you back to me, to our world. I’d do anything and everything, you know. I’d bring you back. I’d bring you back to our happy place and it will be like before. It will be like nothing happened. We’ll be happy again, you will be happy again. In the meantime, I’m just here beside you. I miss you, darling. Badly.