Three summers ago, I’ve come across an existence that was you. Since then, you existed in my everyday and I could still remember the very first time I set eyes on you. When cheesy, romantic book or movie characters declare that everything around the room vanishes upon seeing someone special, they aren’t lying. I proved that true the summer I was sixteen. The exact same thing happened to me when I first saw you, you were twenty-three then. Then as you were passing by me, everything seemed to be in slow motion. Again, books and movies don’t lie; I had witnessed those stuff firsthand and it was because I had the pleasure of setting eyes on you. What else could I say? You were heartbreakingly good-looking and tooth-achingly sweet-mannered to the point that I believed myself in love with you, but well thankfully, I’m not. Or at least I think I’m not. God, I hope I’m not. Please. For now I’m just happy seeing new pictures of you up on Facebook or looking at you from afar or knowing you would be in a certain place. I’m happy with just thinking about the time that I caught you looking at me before. I’m okay with just these stuff so far but I’m afraid that there would come a time that I would cry because I badly want to be with you. Please don’t let this happen. Or maybe I could just meet you personally and just talk to you, then maybe, just maybe this feelings I have for you will slowly……become lighter or even fade away. I know I’m saying a lot of crazy stuff in here but what can I do? That’s how I feel. Anyway, I just wanted to say that you look perfect in black and you look best with your hair super short and that I love how you smile and kid around. And thanks for floating my boat most times, and thank you for making my summers so special, and I want to say that I miss you. I miss seeing you. So much, it kinda hurts a little.

And thank you for bringing me happiness without even knowing it.

I want to go on holidays with my cousins. I could just imagine me, my sisters and our cousins somewhere far like Hawaii or South Korea or Jamaica just by ourselves. Just ourselves without the adults nagging about how noisy we get and jokingly tell us that we should never ever get together in one place at once. Ah, it would also be lovely to have them around actually but there would be too much drama if they were with us. You know, grown-up stuff. Anyway, yes, I would love to have them with me in this far-off place just wandering about the sweet unfamiliarity of a road not trodden by us before. We would chat over meals, and very loudly too until we feel too full to eat and too full to speak. We would play pranks at each other just like we did before. We would play chase and card games and embarrass each other to death. We would swim all day at the beach and throw sand at each other. Or we would walk and play in the rain and talk about how our parents would shake their heads disapprovingly because that’s all they could do. We’re unstoppable. We can do whatever we like, and we will do whatever we like. We’re like Spartans - who fight not for themselves but for the man on their left - except we don’t only fight for the men on our left, we fight for everyone, placing our own lives on the line, or in our case, our own ears on the line for an earful from the adults. It would be just lovely to be with them in a place where no one of us has ever been to. Lovely to be with each of them. Then after, when we go tired and scratched and bruised from all the fun we had, we would find our way back home to our parents who were waiting for us, to interrogate us, and talk about the time we went somewhere far with nobody but us and devilishly remembering all the stupid stuff and sick jokes we did while we were away. Because we’re Spartans, and we’re unstoppable.

…..It was…..depressing. My heart ached all throughout the book. Worse is, I read at about just past midnight before sleeping, which, supposedly is the most emotional time for any human being.

Fshit.

I just can’t get over Alaska’s story. I didn’t know it would affect me this way. I didn’t hate it but I wouldn’t say I liked it. What I can only say is that I feel intensely about it and I couldn’t yet figure out whether my feelings are positive or negative. My feelings are comparable to my feeling about wanting to forget someone that I well know I couldn’t, I don’t know if the after effect of it for me would be okay or not. I’m not sure if I would feel happy or sad if I forgot about that someone. I’m not sure if I would be thankful that I already forgot about him (okay, let’s just put it as a him) or would I be crushed because in the first place, I’m not really sure if I would want him out of my life. Crazy right? Comparing two things that’s not supposed to be compared. Hehe. But that’s how I feel towards this book. It was really frustrating. John Green is undeniably great with his words though, that’s one thing I truly liked about the book. He’s effortless when it comes to handling the language and putting thoughts into words that easily comes across the readers’ understanding. Nevertheless, it was kinda frustrating really. I was frustrated of the fact that Alaska never came to tell Miles about how she really felt about him. And I hated Miles for jumping into the conclusion that Alaska loved him anyway. I loved The Colonel though. He was the only character in the book that I genuinely loved all throughout. He was loyal and honest and everything! Well of course I loved Alaska’s personality as well. No, rather, I loved her wits. Just her wits. I loved how she thought about some stuff and I loved how she viewed life. I hated how she could be so moody in a snap though. I hated how at one minute she would be all angry and moody and upset Miles and then the next, she would be all funny and clingy and chatty to Miles without even saying sorry for being bitchy.

Ah well.

Anyway, I hated it? No. I liked it? Neither. But was it worth the read? Of course it was. I could never go back. Would I recommend this for people to read? I greatly will. If I had another lifetime, I would still choose to read the book. It added this great weight in my mind and in my life. And what’s that weight? Even I don’t know, I have yet to find it. But whatever that weight is, I’m sure it would affect me deeply.

Maybe what I’m feeling right now would be comparable to finding the meaning of the labyrinth that Alaska was talking about. Finding the meaning would make her see the world better and understand life better.

Maybe, that’s the same as me, trying to find out what this weight is. By finding out what the weight is, I would understand why I feel so strongly about the book. And eventually, finding out whether my feelings are positive and negative.

And yeah, like Miles, I hate making conclusions so….yeah….

2011 for me, was a rollercoaster ride. It is by far the craziest year in my life. I’ve experience intense depression but I felt overwhelming joy, I’ve lost a few but gained lots, I cried, I laugh, I tumbled, I cringed, hell I was crazy this year. My life was crazy this year. As much as I despise 2011, I have stuff to be thankful for as well. How bad can it be right? The thing is, because of this year I have learned to sail through a stormy sea that’s life. This year may have been the one which brought me more problems in my back than I could handle but because of this year, I’ve learned to endure and overcome them all. All in all, 2011 MADE ME STRONG. So to end this year of ups and downs, I’ve listed 11 things that I learned/experienced/proved/etc in 2011:

1. I realized that I overthink way too much.

2. When one door closes, a window opens.

3. I felt real joy and happiness.

4. I am able to see my future now. And that would be being a physicist working at NASA or CERN years from now.

5. I learned not to give up and not to let the demons inside me eat me up alive.

6. Opening up a bit and speaking out isn’t so bad after all.

7. I fall in love in with every single drama/movie leading man. :))

8. I realized that I want to be with someone.

9. I think I might like mainstream music more than I ever imagined.

10. I cried over such silly stuff. i.e. Toy Story 3, Tangled, a handful of Korean dramas etc, etc.

11. I learned that I could do things, may it be huge ones or smaller ones as long as I put my mind and heart into it.

I don’t have a title for this one because…well…I don’t know what title to put in. Anywaaaaayyyy, I’m so happy because I made  my very first gif!! I can’t even tell you how stressed I was because of this. I uploaded it as a photo but it wouldn’t work. I tried the text post aaand it worked and for a moment I was relieved but when I published it, it wouldn’t appear on my dash but it appeared on my blog D: I was really pissed right then. But I resized it and made it smaller and tarraaaaaan!! It works!!!!!!

 It’s very small though, and appears grainy on my blog (=_=”) 

On a gif-related note, I was watching Scent of a Woman and this scene just gave me butterflies that I repeated it many times over and decided to make it a gif even if I don’t have the slightest idea how to. But, what’s the use of Google right? Long story short, I did it :D

And yeah, once again, I’m in love with Lee Dong Wook. This is my first time watching him in a Kdrama because seeing his pretty boy face, I thought I  wouldn’t like him because he was too…..pretty. Like literally handsome. I don’t come to like the obvious-handsome guys, because it’s a given that they’re supposed to be good-looking. I usually like the not-to-handsome guys ones that have this fireworks of a personality. Or I’s always, always like the bad-boy looking ones. But liking Lee Dong Wook, I was wrong yet again.

So after a loooooong day, here’s Lee Dong Wook’s godly body saying good night to all of you:

:3

This is why I love Korean dramas. :))

1. Men who are hawt and rich fall in love with vulgar, outspoken women.
2. If you are a girl and have a best guy friend, he’s definitely in love with you.
3. Brothers/best friends/schoolmates/enemies always love the same girl.
4. You’re allowed to make U-turns anywhere in Korea. And there’s never traffic (or a single vehicle) on the side you want to turn to.
5. You get to run out of a restaurant without paying the bill. All you have to do is slap someone and storm out in tears.
6. Everyone has cancer.
7. You’ll get a flu/cold/fever after getting caught in the rain for 5 minutes.
8. When you’re sick, your boyfriend carries you on his back and races to the hospital. He hasn’t even heard of taxi/buses/hitching a ride.
9. Somebody gets into the pool/ocean with their clothes on.
10. If you’re rich, you’re an asshole.
11. If you’re poor, you’re an angel.
12. Your brother is a retard. If said brother is a real (blood-related) one, he is a lazy, stupid, irresponsible bum who exists by leeching off you. He’s not even handsome.
13. You’re not studying hard enough unless you get a nosebleed.
14. If you have a nosebleed, it’s most definitely cancer. And you have no money to pay for the surgery that’ll save your life. And your liver is missing. The doctors are not sure where it went, but it’s making your cancer progress faster.
15. You always order orange juice or coffee at a cafe. And you never drink it. EVER.
16. If two people are talking confidentally, they will leave the door of the room ajar so that a third party will eavesdrop on the conversation.
17. You go to America and you come back miraculously successful. You go to England and you come back amazingly fashionable. You stay in Korea and the only thing that’s changed is your hairstyle.
18. And you come back to Korea because you have cancer.
19. Everyone goes to the same hospital no matter where they are.
20. Even if you’re poor and can’t eat, you never wear the same clothes twice.
21. If you play a poor kid, you always have dirt on your face and your hair is always messy.
22. If you’re saving someone from being hit by a speeding car, you’ll push them out of the way and wait for the car to hit you instead.
23. Everyone has a long lost sister/brother/twin.
24. If you don’t want to answer your lover’s call, you can’t turn it off. You’ve got to take out the battery.
25. All Korean men can drink hard, smoke long, sing well and play the piano. Usually all at the same time, at the same restaurant that has a piano. The girlfriend doesn’t know this until she sees him playing the piano at night.
26. If you’re in a relationship, you must, at one point, leave the country and have your lover tearfully come RIGHT before you board the plane (vice versa applies as well. You can be the chaser.) 60% of the time you meet each other, and 40% you’re roaming around in circles in pass each other about 6 times. But you don’t see each other.
27. If you’re getting off a plane, you’re always wearing sunglasses.
28. All guys wear hideous tracksuits zipped up to their neck. Even if they’re only doing jump-roping.
29. Girls will always storm off because they’re mad. The guy will stoically grab them by them arm and swing them back – by magic, not dislocate their shoulders.
30. If you hit your head in a traffic accident, you might lose your memory. But don’t worry, you will get it back when you hit your head a second time.
31. Surprises ALWAYS backfire.
32. There will be situations in an elevator and in a toilet. In the elevator, you gotta get stuck with the bastard you’re trying to avoid. In the toilet scene, there’s a high probability you get caught by that bastard you’re trying to avoid.
33. Or most likely because you’re in the men’s toilet.
34. Unless you’re fabulously rich, your in-laws will always hate you.
35. So will your sister-in-law.
36. Your brother-in-law might have a crush on you.
37. There are only 2 ways to kiss. You either press your lips against theirs with your mouth completely shut in a long and comfortable kiss, OR you devour the other person and suck their soul out. In both instances, the world spins.
38. If a car ever breaks down or runs out of gas, it will happen on a small rural road with no other traffic, late at night. The area will also have no cellphone coverage, and you gotta walk the whole 10 miles back to civilisation in your 5-inch heels.
39. If you want 2 rooms in a hotel, only one will be available, and that one room will only have one bed.
40. You’ll get pregnant the first time you have sex.
41. You’ll get pregnant if he kisses you on the forehead.
42. Hell – you’ll get pregnant if you hold hands.
43. If you overcome great obstacles to be together, one of you must die. Probably due to cancer.
44. A guy and a girl on a bus must sit in the rear next to the right-hand window. A lone girl/guy sitting at that spot will reminisce about the time when he/she did have someone sitting beside him/her.
45. One man can kick the butts of 6 gangsters, especially when they all stand in a circle and attack the guy 1 by 1. When each of them get their butts PWNED, they wise up and attack the guy at the same time. Then the guy will get pulverized and bleed out onto the dusty concrete floor of the empty warehouse they found to fight in. And the girl will have watched this the entire time, screaming in horror. Instead of calling 119, she’ll just watch and cry. But it’s okay. Because the next day the guy will be fine with a few random bandages and a few scars on the face. But never a black eye.
46. Good girls don’t drive cars. Bad girls do. Well, a good girl just might drive, but she will do it so badly it’s a wonder she was ever given a license.
47. Rich people live in mansions surrounded by brick walls. The others live in shacks atop high buildings in downtown Seoul, or in hillside slums on the outskirts of the city.
48. Korean schools and universities suck. To study anything serious, you must go abroad.
49. If you study in the States (preferably Harvard), you are one of the top students and you can speak perfect English (as assumed by the reactions of those around you). Why the rest of the world OUTSIDE the TV can’t understand a single word uttered in your melodramatic voice is beyond me.
50. For one reason or another, a guy comes out of the bathroom naked/chest bared. Utterly shocked, you cover your eyes while screaming and pointing at him, while the guy screams along and covers his… nipples?

I’m thankful that none of us and my loved ones have been struck by this kind of catastrophe but I feel deeply for the people in Mindanao. I badly want to help if only I have the means. Seeing these people suffer when we are comfortable just doesn’t feel right for me. We’re not rich but I think we have enough, whereas the people from Mindanao have been swept clean of their possessions, material and emotional stuff alike. I feel bad that I want to help, I really want to help but I couldn’t do anything about it. I feel bad that I just sit back behind the TV and the computer and watch the news about the bagyo and the baha and do nothing. I feel bad watching these people - mostly innocent - undergo this kind of disaster in their lives. I feel bad that I’m only a jobless eighteen year-old who could do nothing to help. 

During these times, I think all I could do is pray. Pray for the baha and the after effects eventually go away and make the people in the Mindanao back on track and carrying on with their lives, pray for the people to be safe and sound, pray for more help to come, pray for the lives of those taken away by the floods, pray for the children to be healthy and pray for more prayers from the people.

We should know that the Lord made this happen not to make us waver or weaken but to bring the people together as one and for us to become stronger. I know that He listens to and hears each and everyone of us but I guess praying as a whole nation or praying as the whole world is even better, I heard a television personality not too long ago say that when many people are praying, it would be clearer and louder for the Big Man upstairs to hear and He would know most of hundreds and thousands of people’s hearts’ intentions spoken as one.

So, I’m calling out to all the people out there to pray for the people in Mindanao. I know most of us would want and love to help, it’s just that we can’t because we don’t have the means yet, so for the time being, LET US PRAY. No gift or material thing is greater than sincere prayers in times like these. And for the people in Mindanao, I know that we, the Filipino are resilient people, we never give up or lose hope easily. The more we experience stuff like this, the stronger we become. Have faith and be strong, Pinoys, you’re not alone, the whole world will be praying for you. We are praying for you.

“I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.” - Psalm 57:1