Yeah, fuck you and your sweet eyes. Fuck you and your sweet words. Fuck you and your warm touches. Fuck you smelling really nice. Fuck you for being able to make me smile in the most random times like when I’m on the bus, when I’m walking, when I’m listening to music. Fuck you for making me look like an idiot for smiling during the most random moments. 

Ugh. Please stay away from me while I can still handle it.

I was happy
I was running
He was there
He smiled
Caught me and held my hand
He smiled at me again
I was happy
But I knew that that kind of happiness was impossible for me
Then I woke up, heartbroken
I was right again
It was impossoble
So I just closed my eyes
And tried hard to go back to sleep again.

You left. And no matter how hard I try and push myself to forget, I just can’t. Your smile and your anger, your laugh and your tears, your joys and your sorrows, they just won’t leave me alone. Every second of my everyday is spent struggling to come to terms with planning to move on from the pain and the hole you brought me. You left me alone. You left me with nothing but memories which slowly kill my being. I fought hard, you knew that. Now, look at me. What do you see? My life is a big black void. All I can think of is the way your hand felt in mine, the way your eyes danced when we were together, the bed we once shared, the stubbornness, the childish games and you. Of course, you. What went wrong? We were once happy, weren’t we? I fought hard, you knew that. I tried hard. Why was I not enough? Did you just grow tired of me? Will I ever forget you? Will I ever forget us? Maybe, it will take a little more time to forget you and the feelings I have for you. Maybe a little more time and a little more beer to drain these thoughts of you from my mind. Maybe a little more time to move on from you. But oh, who am I kidding? I guess I never will. How could I, when the best thing that ever happened to me so far was you? It will always be you. Yeah, I guess I will never be able to forget you. 

A few years back, I met you. I was new and I was young while you were tall and dark and painfully handsome so what do you expect? Of course, I liked you. I liked you deeply. I’m still not sure if I loved you because until now, I don’t know what love is. Heck, I’m not even sure if I’m capable of the whole ‘love’ thing. I couldn’t be sure whether I was in love with you or I was just another silly infatuated teen. But you were really important to me. You could easily make me sad and you even made me cry a couple of times but it was also you who easily made me smile. You made me happy. Just one word from you could make my shitty day seem sunny and bright. I didn’t mind if I stayed up late so just I could talk to you and I didn’t even mind if you always fell asleep on me. I didn’t mind you talking about her but I did mind when you were talking about how much you were hurting because of her. Gosh, did you think you were badly hurt? I was hurting much more because of the thought of you actually hurting. Yeah, I was young and stupid and naive. But I never blamed you though. Never have I ever blamed you for all the tears and the questions and the hurts. You’ve been nothing but great to me. You were always there when I needed someone to talk to. You were just there. Yes, I did hurt because of you but it was all without you meaning to. I sometimes ask myself if you were ever aware of whatever feelings I had for you or were you actually so dense that you didn’t notice even a tiny tinge of it. By then I’d start to over think things and start jumping into conclusions and I’d start to kinda hate you and then just one word from you and you have me again and the cycle goes like that. Yes, I was easy like that. Really, what do you expect from a high school girl?

But anyway, the whole point of writing you this big block of text (though I’m pretty sure that you wouldn’t be able to read this ever) is to thank you for having been present in my life. Thanks for everything actually. From the smiles to the laughter to the inspiration to the tears and the wounds, everything. Thanks for making me feel from zero to one hundred in a span of a microsecond. Thank you for making me happy by just being there. Thanks for making me shed all those tears, that way, I was able to learn to not let my guard down easily. But seriously, yes I’d feel like shit each time I cried over you, but after crying I’d weirdly feel good. Yes, I’m weird. Most of all, thanks for making me feel all the hurt that I felt. Thanks for making me experience all of it because because of all of it, I didn’t experience anything like it anymore from other guys. I learned to unconsciously shut myself from everything because of you and my then constant thoughts of you. I haven’t like-liked any other guys like the way I did you so in effect, no one has inflicted me pain as badly as you did. Technically, I only had my heart broken by one boy. Even if it was breaking mostly everyday for nearly six years, it was only because of you. My one and only boy. It’s better than having your heart broken by dozens of different guys right? Right? I think, yes. Well, I don’t know. Maybe I just got so used to it that I didn’t mind anymore, that I didn’t know the difference of being happy and being okay and being heartbroken anymore. But thank you nevertheless. Thanks for the butterflies and the warm feelings in my chest and the sleepless nights. Yes, especially the sleepless nights. 

Another point of me writing you this is to say goodbye. I think finally, I’m starting to move on. I’m starting to slowly forget you. When I think of you, I don’t even have a clear memory of your face anymore, and that helps so much because your smile and your eyes are blurred out from my memory already. It’s not as bad as before when just one flash of your face floats in my memory, I’m back to zero. It’s much easier now, I suppose. And every time I think about you and what happened to the nonexistent “us” years ago, I don’t feel so sad anymore. I even smile at the thoughts most time now. I thought you’d always be my one and only but here I am, saying goodbye to you now. Six years and seven thousand miles later, I might finally be over you. I’m happy now. And maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to open up to whatever it is that will come my way in the future. 

Goodbye.

You will always be important to me though. You will always be that guy. And you will always have a place in my whole being because you chipped off and took a teeny tiny piece of my heart a long time ago. It’s just that though, nothing more.

Thank you for everything.

I’m sure I’ll still miss you but that’s just it. I’ll just miss you. 

Maybe, time and distance really do heal all wounds.

Thank you. Goodbye.

You were young and I was wild. You were there, wherever I was. You truly liked me - “loved” as you’ve always corrected me - and I knew that. But I also knew that you couldn’t take all of my bullshit even though you didn’t ever show it. You frowned upon every alcohol, cigarette butts and parties but I didn’t care. You were too good and I didn’t want to blemish you. I was the opposite of you and you told me that you don’t care, that you can live with it. But I’ve caused you pain and I don’t want you hurting so I pushed you away. You kept on coming back though.

Oh my, I might just be the worst decision you’ve ever made. 

I pretended not to care but I sincerely, truly do. And because I care for you, I want you to be happy - genuinely happy. You’re still young and good and bright. And you’re everything I’m not. I’m sorry. I just have to let you go for now my sweet boy. Someday, my darling. Someday.

You know what? You’re the storm to my peace and quiet. It’s like you came into my life, trembled my safe place and made me doubt my ideals. What I believed in before seems shaky and unsteady now. You rushed your way into my existence and made me question everything that I was so sure of. You rained on my warmth. You drizzled on my summer. You flooded my world. It’s like all the truths I believed in started to falter when you walked into my life. But you know what? I still want to keep you. I kinda like how you make me look at this earth in a completely different perspective. You are the slight crispness I didn’t know I’ve always longed for during the summer heat. You are the cool sprinkle that calms me down and hushes me into the most peaceful state of mind. You are the cool breeze that hums me into tranquility. You may have shaken up my zest a bit but so far you may be the only storm I would wanna keep in my life, the only rain I could dance in. So, please stay.

Writing longhand still feels better.

I am the kind of person who learns Maths fast and thinks that Science is interesting. I love reading and I’d die for the smell of books, old books especially and I would never exchange them for any eBooks out there. I find Physics interesting and I do so not just because that’s what I’m taking up but because I genuinely find it really, really interesting. I’d like to do something extraordinary someday and I don’t say it just for the sake of having to have said something but because I mean it. I love nature. I would prefer beaches and trees over malls or night clubs any day. I love learning new things and understanding how the world works. I’d choose reading over sleeping but I’d prefer sleeping in than to go shopping. I love the silence. I can listen to the music of the 90’s and backwards the whole day. I hate the music they have these days. I have the need to be by myself sometimes and I wouldn’t let anyone or anything take that away from me. I love watching films, any films. I love stories in general. I can watch National Geographic all day and I wouldn’t be bored even just a little bit. I never talk to guys first and I don’t make friends easily. I love people but there is still this high wall around me which others couldn’t break through and I don’t know why I am that way. I fall in love with old, black and white photographs at first sight. I like the sound of steps against cobblestone streets. I don’t like spending much time on thinking about what to wear or if the top I’m wearing matches my shoes or not. I’m not a big fan of bags and brands. I think that if we remove the names and the prices of products, they’d be all the same. I always wonder what the point of money is; I think that if people just give their products for free or would just trade stuff instead of paying money, the world would be a much happier place. I don’t see the point of wars either. I mean, what would they get out of that?

But then again, that’s just me. I’m sometimes convinced that I’m born on the wrong generation and that I would fit better in a different place or time frame. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t find anything wrong with the modern, it’s just that the voice in my mind sometimes just dictate me to lean towards the unusual or the past. I think  that my way of thinking is far different from others’ and that no one but myself can fully understand my choices and my wants.

God, most of the time I think I’m the biggest misfit that ever existed.

We’re worlds apart, that’s true. But will you at least try to look at me? Just once, please look at me, to really look at me. Please see me, too; not only my outward appearance because you won’t really find much but me, my whole being, me. Because you know what? Yes, you are good-looking - heartbreakingly so - but what made me fall for you was you; not your smile but the way your eyes twinkle when you do, not your body but how it feels to be near you, not your touch but how warm it is, not your voice but your words, not your appearance but your mind. Maybe if you try to see me in a different light other than that girl, maybe you’ll find things in me, too. And we might not be that far apart anymore. And maybe, just maybe you’ll fall for me too. You know, just as I fell for you a long time ago. Deeply. 

And as soon as you looked at me, everything just fell into place. My heart glowed as the sun set. The golden sky couldn’t compete with the impossible brightness of your eyes, of your soul. The warmth brought about by the dusk that surrounded us was nothing compared to the ardour you instill in my whole being. You are my light at the end of the tunnel, you always will be. You will always be the unbelievable happiness that I feel. And for now until forever, you my love, are my bliss. Now and forever.